Recovery.

Opening up my blogspot again was almost like trekking up to the attic to get a box; swiping away the gossamers into snowflakes of dust and opening it up to see what was lurking. Its been well-over a month, nearly two in fact, since I've posted. 40 posts and 3 drafts in the pipeline. God, how do I get like this? I end up making something with the full intention of using it, only to fail to sustain interest for more then a week.

Like Pinterest. I like the idea of it; I've got a men's fashion board, a book board, a creativity board... and then I realised that Tumblr basically caters for all of those. All I need to is tag each post and create links to filter everything I need. I guess it just didn't fit into my life. Twitter for a while was like that, even Tumblr, but now I actively use both on a daily basis. And this is always stuck in the back of my mind; I always think 'if I feel like this, I should just post.'

I guess I should reveal that recently my moods have gone from controlled to almost completely unstable. Life can feel like winter; frozen, stagnant and bitter. I feel emotionally cut off, reserved or numb and then without warning, its summer. Everything just radiates joy and desire and fun with this raging undercurrent of negativity. These switches between moods have pushed me over the edge a few times and sometimes, bad thoughts still linger. It's like the shadow of a figure on a dark night following you home, but when you turn to catch them, they dissipate into thin air. The reminder, the cruel feeling of knowing that I've felt like that, and knowing that everything may just melt into obfuscation and disorder again is something that scares me all the time. Its this fear of feeling transient that has stopped me posting. I mean, what if I post and its crap? What if I post and I get comments I don't feel smart enough to reply to? How can I have conviction in anything if I have to say if my feelings are just going to do a 180?

How can I post something if I feel like I'm becoming more and more transparent?

Things have returned to some kind of equilibrium and occasionally slip. I've been slipped lots of leaflets on moods and alcohol which are resources I'd rather not indulge, Lifeline numbers and a frustrating amount of times talking to 'health professionals' who ask questions like 'if you feel sad, how does that make you feel?' - Which is perhaps one of the most ridiculous things I've been asked. But yes, I guess I'm recovering. Slowly, but surely.

So I guess this was just to break the silence more then anything, but I also wanted to ask myself - What purpose will this thing serve? Do I want to use it purely for prose/poetry, reviews, stream-of-consciousness diary entries? - I decided that I'll use it for everything. Yup. I hope I'm not being too optimistic here because just writing this post has exorcised a lot of the pent-up anxiety I've been feeling lately. I can do this. Yup.

So, for anyone who has read, thanks again.

PS - I don't know how to end this, so I'm just going to end it with this beautiful woman. Her music has helped me the past month.