Dawn Approaches.

The year is about to end and I've found a very fitting way to wave goodbye to it; drink in hand, merriment filling the house and looking towards the near year with drunk goggles (no doubt with a few philosophical questions too). Next year heralds a lot more for me then just flipping over my calendar; Once my novella has been drafted the xth time I'll be releasing it on kindle. I'll be thrusting my ECP ideas into action and trying to manifest some kind of coherent plan that will push me past Uni and into the working world.

Uh-oh. That sounds enough to make me want to have a drink.

I've got a lot of paths ahead but each seem to have their own vices. Teacher, writer, traveller... There's probably a few more roads that I will be considering but each one is as difficult to choose as the next; each shrouded in an enigma. One question that has been on my mind for some time now though is whether these paths will end up unified: Can I travel down one path and end up straying onto another, or is the road I choose a finality that will either have positive or profane consequences? I've got a big decision to make and its not one I can afford to choose lightly.

Some people have their lives mapped out like constellations; tiny white dots to our eyes that are interlinked and spread across a blackness to give them some kind of hope for the future. They thank them for their guidance and chant a mantra. I'm the one still stuck in a hall of mirrors struggling to stare long enough into the jaded glass and discover who their reflection is.

And whilst I type all this out, still trying to piece together what everything could mean the sun is rising and I'm running out of time. The pressure is mounting, the moments are fleeting... Once the last grain falls, I hope I'm still not gazing into the mirror.

3

So yeah, musical moments always stand out for me. I rarely get as excited about anything else (even books, I'll admit). Music has that spark that induces euphoria and imbues me with this unique feeling that is almost indescribable. It just... wows me. I know its laconic, but fuck it; I love music and now I'm going to tell you all about three of my favourite tracks this year.

Why three?

Because I can.

1. Lana Del Rey - Blue Velvet

After releasing Born To Die I was really hoping that Lana had more up her sleeve. She released an album of pretty solid material but somewhat... diluted. I guess her melancholic and dramatic style had been pushed to the boundaries. If there was anything I was wondering it was 'What next?'. The answer was Paradise - the follow up EP, which I've had on repeat since its release. This release doesn't sound like Video Games peetered out to 15 tracks or so; it actually really sums up her style. The strings, the voice, the pouty moments. Even better was Blue Velvet, a cover originally recorded by The Clovers and inspired by David Lynch's 80's film of the same name. If there was any song she was going to cover, I never expected this. Its a homage to her tastes but also showcases her dazzling range. She can actually sing; she has a vibratto, she has this way of saying things in such a world-weary style that it doesn't feel nihilistic or stupid; it just sounds like one woman lamenting on beauty.

2. Crystal Castles - Insulin

So yeah, this track gets sort of... violent? Crystal Castles are one of my favourite bands because they've evolved with each record. With III though they scrapped all the computers and went completely analogue. Recording everything in one take because "the first take is the rawest expression of an idea", they managed to spew a frightening sonic delivery that triumphs, for once, due to Alice's transgressive and political lyrics. In Insulin its the chorus of 'Bruise my embryo / lay them down lay them down in rows' that really gets me. Alice's vocals, hidden behind the manic backing track, sound like a girlish whimper whilst bombs are plummeting down from the sky like rain surrounded by screaming and explosions. Fucking amazing.

3. TRUST - Candy Walls

The first guy and last guyy on the list is one of my favourite music artists who also happens to be a fucking gorgeous bloke. Robert Alfons formed TRUST with Maya Postepski (Austra) and released their debut album TRST on Arts & Crafts this year. I really understand what they said by "Trust is not just a side project" (and I'm thankful for that) because whilst Austra use those icy synths under Stelmanis' angelic opera vocals, TRUST has this grimy feel. That club sleaze that isn't tacky but tangible, that you want to be part of and don't feel disgusted by. Also, Alfons' vocal delivery with THAT baritone is just orgasmic. PREPARE YOUR BODIES.

The Sunday Challenge

So following on from my post yesterday about resolutions, I've really been thinking about plans. Not necessarily for the future, but plans for the day. If there's one thing I hate doing its planning things because I'm extremely impulsive and I end up flit around like an erratic moth; never content with just staying in the same place.

But yes, anyway, plans. Or, at least 'the plan', which I'm initiating tomorrow (ugh, later today), will be to actually get off my arse and do things. Mainly things that I said I would do like work on my novella and the like. So I'm actually going to document my day and see how well I can carry out these five things:

• Read the entirety of Coraline by Neil Gaiman (FYI, I'm 32/185 pages through)
• Make a list of all my reading for next semester (INCLUDING links to where I can buy the books)
• Start a few fiction pieces (at least two) from ideas I've written down.
• Watch a movie/listen to an album (in its entirety) that I've been putting off
• Drink my way through this list.
• Write another blog post. 

I've been meaning to do something like this for a while but frankly, unless I vocalise it for myself, I never seem to get round to doing things. As an extrovert I have to think out loud and manifest my thoughts in a physical way; moving my hands in exaggerated ways is one of them.

So now, as I'm looking through this list, I'm wondering whether its actually going to be a challenge. Will I be able to jump out of bed exploding with energy at the thought of completing something? 

Most likely I'll be groggy and tired. But what the hell, here goes!

Resolutions.

They're defunct but we still love them. Later, we abhor the decision of ever writing them in the first place. Yes, its Resolutions; a ritual we mentally go through at the end of each year to try in an attempt to rectify our poor decisions. It doesn't always work too well, does it?

I was very tempted to experiment and write five resolutions I'd make, but fuck that. No. I'm smart enough to know that I won't be able to keep them.

I guess as human beings we want to prove to people that we are able to overcome our flaws and mistakes and that we are perfect beings? Correct. However, its impossible to completely overcome our flaws or stop feeling anxious about things. Its just silly.

John Sublime said "Every diamond has its flaw." (I'm pretty sure its New X-Men #117. Maybe. Or 118) and do you know what? I agree. We all try and fill the cracks and iron the creases but it doesn't work. There'll always be one anxiety we'll hold on to and never let it detach from us. And if we keep swimming in them, we'll eventually drown.

I remember when I was younger making all these 'I'll do my homework more often' or 'I'll treat Mum nicer.' and I think unless you truly mean it, you'll never actually achieve it. I wrote fleeting thoughts down and thought if I vocalised them that the changes would be instantaneous and I'd be reaping all this mental gratification from thinking of them. Actually, here is a list from my 2009 one (intended for '10):

o Write a song for Kitty/Kat.

o Shout from the rooftops something about myself.

o Be less petty.

o Accept unfortunate circumstances.

o Stand up for myself and other people more.

o Try and smile every day this year at something.

o Keep with FUEL and do whatever I can~

This one in particular I understood. And funnily enough, I did actually fufill most of them (the rooftops one was dumb and I never did it). However, why did I need to use the end of the year as an excuse to write down something fucking hints? Why didn't I just learn whilst I lived? If I couldn't think of any reasons why I lived my  life 'wrong' then there is no need to start writing a list in the first place. I mean, if you cut yourself open whilst cooking you wouldn't say 'Oh I'll put a bandage on it next year' (unless it is perfectly timed at 23:59:40 on New Years Eve, in which case, FUCK YOU), you would deal with it immediately. I think as a society we need to stop being dependent on things like this; we just need to take them as they come.

This year, for example? I said to myself I needed to do more work for my course. How did I do? Well, I've got two of my highest scoring grades since I started, managed to write 20,000 words of my novella, dealt with my major anxieties with my future and managed to find ways to deal with stress. Yes guys; this all came from me just thinking 'maybe I should do better'. I mean, if I had waited till next year, what would have been the point?

So people - yay or nay to new years resolutions?

F O C U S O N : Lana Del Rey

"Oh, my God, I feel it in the air /
Telephone wires above all sizzling like your stare /
Honey I'm on fire I feel it everywhere /Nothing scares me anymore." - Summertime Sadness

What can I say about Lana Del Rey (ooh, a rhyme!) that hasn't already been said by the papers and press? Well the best way I can summarise her is that hazy nostalgia when you remember someone, maybe a lover, maybe a friend, who stirs something up inside you. The feeling is laced with so many bitter-sweet feelings that She stunned everyone worldwide with her single "Video Games" with opinion divided on her  voice and orchestral sound, some admiring her innovation and others covering their bleeding ears with bandages. I, for one, absolutely adore her. She sports a very morose, sophisticated image in a similar vein to Florence Welch but also exudes a knowing sorrow with her music without being nihilistic; lamenting on the past without becoming vapid like other pop icons such as Rihanna or Nicki Minaj. She's shown able writing ability too, establishing her 'strings and sadness' sound as her own trademark image.

Yes, thats right, I've been overwhelmingly positive about her. But I guess, like anyone I'm fascinated with I always say 'they can't be all they seem, can they?' and shortly after I listened to her I made the regrettable decision to watch her SNL performance (watch it below... or not) where she sounds like she has tried deliberately to sound tone deaf. After this I wondered whether she was actually talented, vocally. Then I watched her perform a rendition of 'Ride' and my conviction returned.

If there's one thing I've said that I just want to repeat over and over its her sound. Its so recognisable, so distinct and its her trademark. I guess everyone looks for their trademark; businesses, artists, anyone. We all want to have a distinguishable talent or feat that is imbued by our individuality. Whether Lana has tried hard or not, she's managed to master it. I'm pretty envious as I've been developing my style for ages and still have yet to create some kind of cohesion. Even though sometimes her songs can sound... I don't know, repetitive? No, I guess sometimes... diluted? Like she's used the same formula too much.

But at any case, wowowowowwowow. I love her a lot. And now I'm going to end this post rather laconically.

In Retrospect

So lately, every time I've been meaning to write a blog I've felt hesitant or uneasy. I don't know why and I don't know how I've let these feelings get in the way so I've decided to break the cycle and type one up now. I'm currently sat up in bed surrounded by a sea of mess, remembering that I'm going back to Northern Ireland in T-36 hours.

I haven't packed.
I haven't got my train ticket.
I've still got baggage here I can't check in.

Going over it all its strange to imagine I've been here for five months. I can vividly remember leaving home with feelings of anxiety with my mood still low as, my sense of purpose ambiguous and the knowledge that my summer trysts were just that when I recalled them. But one question loomed over me as I raced across the irish fields; What did I want to achieve this year? I returned here in July all ready to get back on the job-hunting, raring to cut my teeth with some writing. Did I achieve this?

Yes and No.

There'll always be some kind of ambivalence with my personality, my hopes for the future and some kind of existential conflict, but progress has been made. I've finished a draft opening of my novella 'The Seventh Veil', which I'm hoping to release on kindle in early spring. Its been on a journey, like me, and its had some fuck-ups but I'm at a point where I'm really happy with it. I've also been writing more poetry, more solid work. I feel like I'm at the point where I've nearly defined my own style, both with fiction and poetry. Its a strange feeling too, to have that. Its even been more often then not that when I've been approached and asked what I do its been 'I'm a writer'. I've sad it with brevity and conviction and I've been taken aback myself when its been my instinctual response.

And with this, I've noticed that my moods have began to improve. I thought it'd take more difficult procedures and I never knew if it would go away. Maybe it hasn't. But for now I've reached an equilibrium that I'm happy with. By pouring myself into writing I've been exorcising the inner demons that have been knocking at my door for the past 18 months. I've felt less like a minefield. I was going to say I feel more like a flourishing garden but that's frankly too camp a reference to throw in. Oh, what the heck!

If there's one thing that is still pestering me though, its my nihilism. I still feel a sense of insignificance whenever I make a decision. In the big, wide world we're but an ant. And in the context of all that exists we are just the nothingness of nothing. I still wonder if I have a purpose in life and whether it actually exists at all; am I here for a reason? Is life and my fate pre-ordained by some deity with a wicked lust for destruction? Or maybe its just a flying spaghetti monster that lacks any rational thought. Maybe my life is just for me to decide. All I know is that if I were a path I'd have no signs to show where I'm going to end. It'd just a miasma of mist and rain. Obscurity. But I guess, its a good thing.

So whilst I've babbled on here, I thought I'd use this just as cathartic writing. For myself to look back and realise there is improvement and just to dent the net a tiny bit. In retrospect, it sounded like a good idea at the time.

PS - If there's one thing I've realised though, is that even the most unexpected things can make you happy. I've learned that very recently and its put a genuine smile on my face. It may end soon, it may end in years to come, but its happened.