Routines, Twattiness & Sleep.

Its difficult to resume a routine once it has been forgone. During the holiday periods I frequently find myself roaming around the house saying 'I have nothing to do', 'I'm bored', when in actual fact I have so many things I need to get done. I take life for granted a lot; I watch TV instead of writing down my thoughts, I obsess far too much over social situations than what I'm supposed to be reading and dream far too much about the future when I should be living in the present. Becoming entangled in fantasy, its easier to forget about reality and even worse, it makes me feel like I've already achieved half of what I want. It's fucking ridiculous that I should be feeling so gratified when in actuality, I've managed to accomplish nothing more then coming up with an idea and never putting it in to action. Procrastination and I seem to be fantastic friends at the moment.

Sleep and I, are not.

Although during this Semester, I've managed to try and progress from the immaturity I possessed in my first year. Finishing assignments hours before the deadline, skim-reading and leaving writing full of the most ridiculous mistakes is not something I want to take in to my second semester of the year. I've managed to miss out on firsts several times throughout my first semester. If I had taken the time to do that extra proof-reading or plan in advance, perhaps my marks would have been made up, but I'm still in awe that I can stream-of-consciousness an entire assignment within a night and manage to make it sound cohesive.

It also makes me wonder; why do we congratulate people when they announce something fantastic they are working on? 'Congratulations! Your half way there!' or 'Thats great, keep it up!' can be reinforcing to some people but for me, its a gold medal. I feel that if and when I decide to vocalise my plans for any creative projects I should be hounded by Goblins. Whenever it happens. So even if its just a conversation with my parents or a passing chat with an estranged friend that I'll be reminded that I still have far to go.

Coming up with an idea isn't a half-way mark; its a start. Its a slow start, but one at that. I won't belittle the fact that I may have come up with a great idea, but I think I shouldn't absorb all the attention and disregard the product. Its becoming so familiar that laziness has just consumed me. And frankly, I just want to eat some decent food and get cracking on some work.

So tomorrow I have a plan which could either go one way or the other. I'm not going to list it here in fear that the goblins won't actually appear (or may do), but I feel as if I will have to uphold my promise and write a blog post.

Oh now and I'm going to leave you with a rather amazing song that taught me a lot about Fruit & Veg. I know all the words and no, I am not ashamed.

Week.

The end of my first week ends with an avalanche. Sort of. If you count opening your window to a deluge of snow rushing down the roof and freezing your nipples off, then it did. Which happened. Yeah, I'm confused.

The week has been a respite for me because its finally kicked me back into a routine; gone are the days when I can crawl out of bed at three in the afternoon and lounge like trailer trash in my underwear; I've actually been getting up around 6 *gasp*, changed by 8 or 9 *le bigger gasp* and been pretty productive! *le-what-the-fuck-gasp*. Its strange to have a feeling that this will be rigid, that I won't let things keep me up  at night, letting thoughts unravel until I'm left with a mess of anxieties to clear up: I wake up and the day doesn't feel so broken. I mean, like every other human being I still dread getting up without a bit of a lie-in, but who doesn't?

My actual classes this week have been pretty interesting, either due to debates that nearly escalate into fisticuffs or having to work with people that I have a history with. When someone you loathe sits deliberately sits near you for whatever reason, it always seems like a power play of some kind. It feels like I should either a) just try and be decent or b) just embrace my sardonic personality. B usually wins. I'm never really surprised.

But I guess one of the strangest things about this week is the amount of things have happened; I got the rest of my results for last semester and got a decent 2:1, My boyfriend broke up with me, I've maintained a more healthier routine, I've met with an older ex and managed a coffee date. All in the space of 5 days.

It all feels a bit unreal to be true. Its what I used to think a lot. But it has this kind of strange cohesion that just makes it fit, as opposed to when everything felt unreal and was fractured and messy.

Life is strange, and unreal I guess.

First Snow

Its day one of Semester two. I'm officially over halfway through my degree. It feels like it hasn't been long since I started and in reality, its true; I'm halfway through my second year and in the coming months I'll be making some massive decisions about my future. I haven't even had my first class and images of the future are flickering in the forefront of my mind like a broken projector jumping between hazy possibilities of where I'll be going. There's no signposts, no path laid out by some friendly deity and no tour guide to show me where I need to go. Where do I need to go? Where do I want to go? I often find in the early morning, especially when I'm feeling under the weather, that the nagging at the back of my mind that was easy to dispel has pushed its way to the front of my mind, refusing to relent and unphased by my attempts to cast it out.

The roundabout of roads becomes overgrown with flora that tower oppressively far above and space feels claustrophobic, tight, compact, sealed off. Walking any direction brings me back to the same place I started. Trying to purge the thought makes the hedges burn bright and fierce. I feel like my lungs and time is the smoke waiting to snuff me out.

And whilst this array of choices becomes a raging internal battle, the snow is falling softly outside. The cold is seeping in and the chill is the lick of nature trying to lull me into a respite I've been seeking for hours and hours and hours. The hours that pass feel like they have stealthily sneaked away to some unknown shores and the unknown shores are where I'm currently treading water. The maze becomes the sea and the sea becomes me. The sea swallows me up and the maze is still me.

Some Poetry

In the second half of last year I found it difficult to write poetry that I was wholly satisfied with. Poetry last year really made me question whether I want to be a commercial poet or just do it on the sidelines for fun, probably because of my lecturer. I mean, I'm not stupid, I know poets don't make a lot of money nowadays but contemporary poetry, or at least from my lecturers perspective, seemed like the last dregs of creativity that were just becoming more and more diluted, more and more manufactured. I mean, even now the media is trying to 'sell' individuality and independence: 'yeah we're totally indie people we live on £2 a day and weave baskets with our beards'. I know not everyone is like this but its almost becoming vapid to stand up for yourself and say 'Well, I guess my music taste is unique' without getting a ton of criticism from other people claiming nothing is original. And when something is sold as individual its like the dogs fucking bollocks.

I find life confusing sometimes so I wrote this poem which may or may not be related.

I'm not surprised people become alcoholics.


The Last Dregs

The first, the last; the worst
--not second or third
the thirst,
a craving for liqour
drink quicker get sicker

See how she rolls from dusk to dawn
sweet Aurora,
with her lips still longing,
unsatiated,
for the taste of something more.

”Quis hic locus, quae regio, quae mundi plaga?"

There are times like the past few days when it feels like my sky is about to tumble down. When the ground is not below, but rippling like water and surfing through the air in torrents of  black liquid. When doubt is an insect burying through my head and leaving me a lifeless carrion; taking extra special care to shred all the meat off my bones and leave me to the open air. And this was definitely a time where it felt like relapse wasn't just a distant shore but a desert island I'd washed up on.

But it wasn't. It's not me saying 'I'm cured! my anxieties have vanished and I'm ready to stop festering and get on with my life!' - That would be fucking stupid. They don't just evaporate like that. Its not me saying I've had a spiritual awakening and I have come to accept a deity as a saviour for helping me in my time of need. It was a spark that burst into a flame and has began to burn the prison I built around me.

I'm arming myself for it. The niggling at the back of my head was all for the better.

Life is an adventure that I've barely explored. I'm letting in the light after revelling in the dark for too long and I don't want to waste another second.

PS - the quote is from Seneca's Hercules Furens (The Mad Hercules), Act 5, line 1138. I originally heard it from the film Girl, Interrupted.

Alone at night I'm wrapped up in my thoughts.

When I was sixteen I thought the most rational decision I could make at the time was to take four boxes of pills and wait for something to happen. Ever since that day it's been a struggle to smile knowing it will soon falter or hold onto something without worrying it will soon disappear. Everything expires eventually and when it does, it'll decay quick.

The things we love and lose are the never the things we can choose.

So I guess if your reading this you'll ask why I'm going over something that is probably extremely personal. At 6am. I mean, out of all the times I could sit and methodically go over this post, I've picked a time in the morning where commuters are ready to set off for their last day of work before the weekend, couples are beginning to rouse each other with soft caresses of their flesh and cats, well are being cats, and are probably nestled at the bottom of someone's bed all comfy (whoever you are: I hate you).

It's so easy to become wrapped up in thoughts before we sleep. We can have the entire day to stretch our creative bones or sit like 'the thinker' and worry about our existential problems but we don't. The most comfortable place can actually be a source of discomfort or malevolence to some of us. At the moment I'm currently wrapped up in events that have transpired over the previous two days and, for some reason, times far behind me that I sometimes wish would stay buried where they are.

It seems like the dead like to talk more then we expect. And worst of all we indulge them.

However, it's significance is very important to me. The outcome of what happened and after breakdown gate is always relevant. When life kicks me to shit or shoves me down a stairwell I always try and remember what almost happened didn't happen and what I wanted to happen, never happened. As nihilistic about life as I am, the things we try and expect are always the unexpected we try and predict. Life is a giant rubber band ball and some hideous entity is chucking us across the floor one minute then using us to tie his hair back.

Nothing feels cohesive at 6AM and the thoughts I'm keeping myself warm with should really be traded in for better sheets.

The Five 'S's'

Okay first of all, happy new years guys!

Second of all I've spent ALL FUCKING DAY HUNGOVER. We had a house party and in drunk mood (claiming I was constantly sober whilst I stumbled around) I decided that cocktails of Lambrini, Jack Daniels, Cider & Jager was an absolutely ingenious idea. Needless to say that today it feels like the contents of my body has been microwaved

Over the years I've crafted some rules that I usually try and stick to if I'm hungover. At the very least I end up with a hangover that feels like its steadily going or completely expelled. The best thing is you don't have to listen to whale music or rub lotion on your bum or chant to a God - LITERALLY JUST FOLLOW THE RULES AND YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF FEELING BETTER (WHY AM I SHOUTING?!). At the very least, all the things on this list are something you should be doing daily anyway so it'll help keep your life in a routine. Feel free to use these the next time you go out and leave a comment about how well you got on.

So yeah, I generally do them in this order but be creative if you need to:

1. Sleep. Whilst the body processes a unit of alcohol every hour, chances are if your a heavy drinker then this will just be almost useless. Sleeping for as long as possible without getting interrupted is one of the best ways to try and avoid getting hungover (also, it probably isn't good to try this if you have plans throughout the next day). I always find sleeping for 10-12 hours does wonders - Sleeping for that long basically processes the equivalent of a 1/3 of  bottle vodka (around 10 - 12 units). If you've mixed spirits though, its likely your just going to be utterly fucked the rest of the day after (like I was today) but it'll still make you feel marginally better.
2. Shower - MY FUCKING GOD THIS ONE IS AMAZING. Even though its likely that standing up or doing anything involving effort might make you throw up I always find this one to be one of the best. By showering you are cleaning dead skin cells off your body and it also makes you feel energised (and rids your body of the smells from the previous night). Brushing your teeth if your a smoker is also a) good for your teeth & b) gets rid of those smells from the night before.
3. Shave - I have no idea how this works, but personally I feel better when I look good. If I look into the mirror and see unshaven, rugged Josh with bags under his eyes and yellow teeth I just want to go and jump out the bay window (not actually). If you shave often and look a complete state, then do this. Your face feels smooth, skin becomes to feel refreshed and you also smell nice (yay!) If your a girl, you could shave your legs? Unless you have facial hair or sideburns or maybe want to become a skinhead? Either way, fufill your dreams and shave something (lol vagina).
4. Shit. - OKAY ACTUALLY YEAH. This is probably one of the most effective ones out of all them because if your like me and love getting a chinese/chippy after a night out to absorb the alcohol then your going to have a lot in your stomach the next morning. Your body will be full of toxins (alcohol is a poison) and it'll want to get rid of them. Satisfy your bowels and tick off your daily movement if need be (bowel movements 2k13)
5. Sustenance. And by this I mean food and drink. If your body feels tired from drinking you'll most likely crave sugary snacks. I would recommend either something that is quite fatty (like a Fry Up) or full of different rewards - a roast dinner with three different types of vegetables (and gravy because if you don't like it then your weird) renews your energy levels and its also fucking tasty. If your stupid enough to eat yogurts, drink glasses of fruit juice or spicy food then you will probably get dysentry and die for being such a twat.

SO YEAH. I hope you find some of these useful. Whilst as obvious as they are it'll help keep your routine normal whilst optimising recovery time for your body.

And to all those people who 'don't get hangovers'? We're coming for you.