I guess there comes a time in everyone's life when something takes a dramatic turn - things cease to be, something comes into the equation we never expected. Its figuring out the why and what and how because as humans we have this thirst for the truth. Even compulsive liars; they twist and bend the truth to compensate for whatever it is they are going through.
I guess its difficult for me to say, to try and explain things and I know I can't really spill my heart out as much as I would hope, but yeah. Things obviously haven't been going so well recently. Things haven't been going well for a while. It feels like the feeling to die and the feeling to live swim along a current that I have no control over, along a river whose name I cannot remember. Alongside that my ability to have one drink has turned me into an alcohol dependent. Its transformed my entire life into one massive hangover. Along with that, its made my mental health I took a long time to fix, completely unstable. The shifting feelings and emotion feel so nuclear; I know that without them I'm powerless but with them there is the potential to be destructive to myself and others around me. The responsibility has fallen to other people to look after me and observe me.
The worst thing is the shakes; I feel constantly nervous and paranoid with periods of intense highs and lows that are so difficult to control. I can go out and buy paperclips because EXACTLY, that makes perfect sense! Or sleep with a lot of guys because I want some around or stay in bed all day without talking to anyone. Its all baffling but all simultaneously makes sense, relative to the time of course.
I don't know whether it would be good to discuss my diagnosis here, but I want everyone to know that I'm getting support and help. I've gotta get help from AA and the mental health team, get a second diagnosis, get stacked up on pills or I can get taken away. Its that simple. It's all difficult. It's not easy and even though I know I may change my mind and decide its all not going to happen.I know now that I want something positive to happen. Maybe that's just me being tired. But for now, I know I mean it; that there is a shred of hope left. And even though it may just be a centimetre or an inch, its there; it exists and its the only thing that I have left to depend on.
Thursday 11 July 2013
Tuesday 2 July 2013
Diary #1
There are days like yesterday that still feel like today and spill over on to the next. There are days like now which won't start until I wake up, and days that won't end until I collapse.
Today has been particularly stressful though; I can't leave the house because I feel too much. I have a few drinks to try and regulate everything; a carlsberg, a bit of wine usually goes further for me than most other people. Its great; you can feel it. There's a hit each time that increases with intensity, that provides an inner warmth that continues to burn brighter and brighter; so long as it is fuelled. And that distraction, that feeling of grabbing another is just a temptation I can't stop submitting to. At times like now, I know that the quantity is making me ill; headaches, nausea, a pervading dread, weakening organs and a sickening feeling that I know it can't and won't last forever.
And that is exactly when I think: 'I don't have to do this anymore'.
Apparently, thats the first step of freedom. What a load of shit; that thought flits about my brain like a moth to a flame. Eventually it gets consumed and turns to dust, but returns later on. And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
Everything seems far away; emotions, motivation, victory. Feelings can quickly come to the fore in almost nuclear outbursts. Its like I'm recklessly slashing a sword to cut through anything that strays into my path knowing fine right I'll be suffering recoil damage. Knowing somewhere at the heart of intoxication I'll regret it.
But thats the thing about feeling like someone else; you aren't you. You don't want to feel like you; I want to be the bottle, and I want to be empty.
Today has been particularly stressful though; I can't leave the house because I feel too much. I have a few drinks to try and regulate everything; a carlsberg, a bit of wine usually goes further for me than most other people. Its great; you can feel it. There's a hit each time that increases with intensity, that provides an inner warmth that continues to burn brighter and brighter; so long as it is fuelled. And that distraction, that feeling of grabbing another is just a temptation I can't stop submitting to. At times like now, I know that the quantity is making me ill; headaches, nausea, a pervading dread, weakening organs and a sickening feeling that I know it can't and won't last forever.
And that is exactly when I think: 'I don't have to do this anymore'.
Apparently, thats the first step of freedom. What a load of shit; that thought flits about my brain like a moth to a flame. Eventually it gets consumed and turns to dust, but returns later on. And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
Everything seems far away; emotions, motivation, victory. Feelings can quickly come to the fore in almost nuclear outbursts. Its like I'm recklessly slashing a sword to cut through anything that strays into my path knowing fine right I'll be suffering recoil damage. Knowing somewhere at the heart of intoxication I'll regret it.
But thats the thing about feeling like someone else; you aren't you. You don't want to feel like you; I want to be the bottle, and I want to be empty.
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