The Five 'S's'

Okay first of all, happy new years guys!

Second of all I've spent ALL FUCKING DAY HUNGOVER. We had a house party and in drunk mood (claiming I was constantly sober whilst I stumbled around) I decided that cocktails of Lambrini, Jack Daniels, Cider & Jager was an absolutely ingenious idea. Needless to say that today it feels like the contents of my body has been microwaved

Over the years I've crafted some rules that I usually try and stick to if I'm hungover. At the very least I end up with a hangover that feels like its steadily going or completely expelled. The best thing is you don't have to listen to whale music or rub lotion on your bum or chant to a God - LITERALLY JUST FOLLOW THE RULES AND YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF FEELING BETTER (WHY AM I SHOUTING?!). At the very least, all the things on this list are something you should be doing daily anyway so it'll help keep your life in a routine. Feel free to use these the next time you go out and leave a comment about how well you got on.

So yeah, I generally do them in this order but be creative if you need to:

1. Sleep. Whilst the body processes a unit of alcohol every hour, chances are if your a heavy drinker then this will just be almost useless. Sleeping for as long as possible without getting interrupted is one of the best ways to try and avoid getting hungover (also, it probably isn't good to try this if you have plans throughout the next day). I always find sleeping for 10-12 hours does wonders - Sleeping for that long basically processes the equivalent of a 1/3 of  bottle vodka (around 10 - 12 units). If you've mixed spirits though, its likely your just going to be utterly fucked the rest of the day after (like I was today) but it'll still make you feel marginally better.
2. Shower - MY FUCKING GOD THIS ONE IS AMAZING. Even though its likely that standing up or doing anything involving effort might make you throw up I always find this one to be one of the best. By showering you are cleaning dead skin cells off your body and it also makes you feel energised (and rids your body of the smells from the previous night). Brushing your teeth if your a smoker is also a) good for your teeth & b) gets rid of those smells from the night before.
3. Shave - I have no idea how this works, but personally I feel better when I look good. If I look into the mirror and see unshaven, rugged Josh with bags under his eyes and yellow teeth I just want to go and jump out the bay window (not actually). If you shave often and look a complete state, then do this. Your face feels smooth, skin becomes to feel refreshed and you also smell nice (yay!) If your a girl, you could shave your legs? Unless you have facial hair or sideburns or maybe want to become a skinhead? Either way, fufill your dreams and shave something (lol vagina).
4. Shit. - OKAY ACTUALLY YEAH. This is probably one of the most effective ones out of all them because if your like me and love getting a chinese/chippy after a night out to absorb the alcohol then your going to have a lot in your stomach the next morning. Your body will be full of toxins (alcohol is a poison) and it'll want to get rid of them. Satisfy your bowels and tick off your daily movement if need be (bowel movements 2k13)
5. Sustenance. And by this I mean food and drink. If your body feels tired from drinking you'll most likely crave sugary snacks. I would recommend either something that is quite fatty (like a Fry Up) or full of different rewards - a roast dinner with three different types of vegetables (and gravy because if you don't like it then your weird) renews your energy levels and its also fucking tasty. If your stupid enough to eat yogurts, drink glasses of fruit juice or spicy food then you will probably get dysentry and die for being such a twat.

SO YEAH. I hope you find some of these useful. Whilst as obvious as they are it'll help keep your routine normal whilst optimising recovery time for your body.

And to all those people who 'don't get hangovers'? We're coming for you.