When I was sixteen I thought the most rational decision I could make at the time was to take four boxes of pills and wait for something to happen. Ever since that day it's been a struggle to smile knowing it will soon falter or hold onto something without worrying it will soon disappear. Everything expires eventually and when it does, it'll decay quick.
The things we love and lose are the never the things we can choose.
So I guess if your reading this you'll ask why I'm going over something that is probably extremely personal. At 6am. I mean, out of all the times I could sit and methodically go over this post, I've picked a time in the morning where commuters are ready to set off for their last day of work before the weekend, couples are beginning to rouse each other with soft caresses of their flesh and cats, well are being cats, and are probably nestled at the bottom of someone's bed all comfy (whoever you are: I hate you).
It's so easy to become wrapped up in thoughts before we sleep. We can have the entire day to stretch our creative bones or sit like 'the thinker' and worry about our existential problems but we don't. The most comfortable place can actually be a source of discomfort or malevolence to some of us. At the moment I'm currently wrapped up in events that have transpired over the previous two days and, for some reason, times far behind me that I sometimes wish would stay buried where they are.
It seems like the dead like to talk more then we expect. And worst of all we indulge them.
However, it's significance is very important to me. The outcome of what happened and after breakdown gate is always relevant. When life kicks me to shit or shoves me down a stairwell I always try and remember what almost happened didn't happen and what I wanted to happen, never happened. As nihilistic about life as I am, the things we try and expect are always the unexpected we try and predict. Life is a giant rubber band ball and some hideous entity is chucking us across the floor one minute then using us to tie his hair back.
Nothing feels cohesive at 6AM and the thoughts I'm keeping myself warm with should really be traded in for better sheets.
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