Diminished.

I've always considered myself an extrovert. Always. Despite the fact I have tendencies to lean almost equally to both introversion/extroversion I always felt that I was happier around people and became easily bored with my own company. And its not just me who agrees - people have often said I have a low attention span, I'm easily distracted and never really shut up once I've initiated conversation. The first time this ever dipped was when I went I started secondary school in Northern Ireland: Instead of being chatty and social I became a bit of a freak. Apparently listening to whatever music you wanted, not doing sport and having an interest in the world was something that wasn't socially acceptable. Despite this, in my group of friends I was always considered very much social, chatty and inquisitive in conversation. I'd think with my mouth as it spat out everything going on inside my head. Even now, even on impulse, writing this out I'm quickly calculating, considering what to write next as its flowing on to the page.

Despite the resurge a few years after, I've recently felt my desire to be around people, my desire to be social, has diminished greatly. Life has always felt like one, big impulsive ride but now I'm starting to feel a lurking uneasiness when I'm around people. As a writer I've always had periods of introspection where I will spend a day or two correlating my thoughts and ignoring anything trivial with other people but recently I've felt drained and strange. For example, on a night out a week ago I wanted a moment to myself but kept encountering people, people who I had met since I'd returned to N/Ireland, who would also regurgitate these appalling lines:

• How are you? Are you off out tonight? - I wouldn't be standing in a pub if I wasn't.
• How is University? - You've already asked me, but thanks.
• How is your course? - I've just said that.
• How is life? - I'm bored. 
• Still drinking then? - I wouldn't be holding this pint if I wasn't.
• How is blah - Much better
• How is bleurghhhh - Please leave.

Ignoring the last two I felt like I was being interviewed by a novice journalist who was reaching for straws. I did my best to prevent any tension; elucidating on more information and replying with questions that would enhance the conversation. I don't mind it being quiet, but it becomes awful when people start saying 'God... isn't this awkward.' Instead of making it light hearted and funny it actually ruins the entire atmosphere.

But as I looked around, I realised that it wasn't their fault at all. It was mine.

Still, even now, I'm a bit confused. My identity has generally revolved around being quite outward, chatty & honest with people, and now? I feel like I'm washed out, faded. Any kind of image that resembled the old me has diminished to a ghostly transparency. I know I've changed; believing otherwise would be completely ridiculous but I keep asking myself. Its strange feeling this after thinking you've known yourself for so long.


I thought I'd use this to ask people - would you consider yourself an extrovert or an introvert & why? Has this ever changed?