I left my heart in an empty room.

Since I've been back home its been a rather hectic, self-destructive time. It feels like whilst my body is in N/Ireland my heart and soul are back in England. Functioning properly and feeling good here are, unfortunately, not possibilities that I'm rewarded with. Around every corner in the town is another pair of eyes who are more then happy to latch their obsessive, gossiping mouth on to your business. Then the religious zealots who are happier being a part of some oppressive past. And everything, and everyone encompasses this cheery disposition that masks the years of political and religious fighting.

I've lived here for 7, nearly 8 years and my friends who are 'comfortable' with other denominations and people always prove otherwise. There is always some bitter words when a taboo topic is mentioned. Its unbelievably fucking frustrating.

I hate living here and I'm starting to hate everyone else as well.

I feel like I'm constantly catapulted between moods -- happy, sad, frustrated, calm, hyper, sensitive - and it doesn't help that I'm also getting constantly irritable by talk. You don't need to sit next to someone to know their breath stinks of shit - the smell lingers on their words. The repetitive phrases and topics are regurgiated for social acceptance, to not seem rude or ignorant and I can easily fake a smile.

So I've rambled on. I'll shush myself for now, but what am I going to do about all of this?

• Exorcise some people out of my life
• Get some more medication from the doctor
• Read More / Write More
• QUIT ALCOHOL FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE
• Get a job
• Return to Winchester refreshed

I'm on a mission now. If I fall at the first hurdle I'll have to get up again and again until I'm breathless. And when I rest, I'll finally be satisfied.