Volta

I guess there comes a time in everyone's life when something takes a dramatic turn - things cease to be, something comes into the equation we never expected. Its figuring out the why and what and how because as humans we have this thirst for the truth. Even compulsive liars; they twist and bend the truth to compensate for whatever it is they are going through.

I guess its difficult for me to say, to try and explain things and I know I can't really spill my heart out as much as I would hope, but yeah. Things obviously haven't been going so well recently. Things haven't been going well for a while. It feels like the feeling to die and the feeling to live swim along a current that I have no control over, along a river whose name I cannot remember. Alongside that my ability to have one drink has turned me into an alcohol dependent. Its transformed my entire life into one massive hangover. Along with that, its made my mental health I took a long time to fix, completely unstable. The shifting feelings and emotion feel so nuclear; I know that without them I'm powerless but with them there is the potential to be destructive to myself and others around me. The responsibility has fallen to other people to look after me and observe me.

The worst thing is the shakes; I feel constantly nervous and paranoid with periods of intense highs and lows that are so difficult to control. I can go out and buy paperclips because EXACTLY, that makes perfect sense! Or sleep with a lot of guys because I want some around or stay in bed all day without talking to anyone. Its all baffling but all simultaneously makes sense, relative to the time of course.

I don't know whether it would be good to discuss my diagnosis here, but I want everyone to know that I'm getting support and help. I've gotta get help from AA and the mental health team, get a second diagnosis, get stacked up on pills or I can get taken away. Its that simple. It's all difficult. It's not easy and even though I know I may change my mind and decide its all not going to happen.I know now that I want something positive to happen. Maybe that's just me being tired. But for now, I know I mean it; that there is a shred of hope left. And even though it may just be a centimetre or an inch, its there; it exists and its the only thing that I have left to depend on.

The 'L' Word

I've never experienced love and it scares me that so many people I know to throw it round like a basketball. They know they have conviction in their passt, but I'm worried eventually I'll have to catch the ball and expect to score a goal. Exactly. It feels that overwhelming. I could be in the middle of the court, I could be near the goal, but scoring that basket feels like a very epic battle for me.

My feelings have always been under question since they fluctuate on a whim, almost uncontrollably. They can hover over me like an umbrella; trying to shield me from all the piss that flies out of everyone's mouths and sometimes flood my insides like a deluge of drowsiness.

I mean, What am I supposed to do if someone utters that word before me and I'm not there? Perhaps that word is just something that is relative to each person - each feeling can never be exactly replicated for another. For example, I love my parents so much, and some of my friends so much too. In different ways. Maybe that is the way too. But if someone says it to me and I don't feel it, or don't think I do, have I fucked everything up?

Its a constant anxiety because for me, someone to love me would be perfect. If someone can look me in the eye and tell me that they will be there for me through good and bad, it would make me ecstatic. And happy. Then low. Then angry. It would be like spinning a wheel of fortune and everything thrown at someone at once. I'm worried. God, I'm fucking worried that I would just ruin it. It would make me feel far too much to be able to cope with it. I don't want to love someone if I'm just going to burden them with an explosion of emotions that I'm unable to contain.

I guess that's why I'm attracted to the idea of sacrifice. Like Jean Grey, or Jesus... I guess I wonder whether I'm going to have relinquish that kind of intimacy so that I can exist like a relatively normal human being, and so I can't hurt anyone, or so I can save everyone from a potential self-destructive downward spiral.

But isn't that something that is in love? Hurt? How do we love if we don't accidentally inflict pain upon someone? I've been hurt a lot, but I still don't know the diametrical opposite. I don't know what its like. People ask me if I have ever been in love, mainly because I've slept with a lot of guys and frankly, I haven't. I just feel self-depreciated and dried up. I'm worried that I'll simultaneously fall in love and live in solitary confinement for the rest of my days.

Love. Its a scary word. Its not 'lovely'. It fucking scares me so much. So fucking much.

Recovery.

Opening up my blogspot again was almost like trekking up to the attic to get a box; swiping away the gossamers into snowflakes of dust and opening it up to see what was lurking. Its been well-over a month, nearly two in fact, since I've posted. 40 posts and 3 drafts in the pipeline. God, how do I get like this? I end up making something with the full intention of using it, only to fail to sustain interest for more then a week.

Like Pinterest. I like the idea of it; I've got a men's fashion board, a book board, a creativity board... and then I realised that Tumblr basically caters for all of those. All I need to is tag each post and create links to filter everything I need. I guess it just didn't fit into my life. Twitter for a while was like that, even Tumblr, but now I actively use both on a daily basis. And this is always stuck in the back of my mind; I always think 'if I feel like this, I should just post.'

I guess I should reveal that recently my moods have gone from controlled to almost completely unstable. Life can feel like winter; frozen, stagnant and bitter. I feel emotionally cut off, reserved or numb and then without warning, its summer. Everything just radiates joy and desire and fun with this raging undercurrent of negativity. These switches between moods have pushed me over the edge a few times and sometimes, bad thoughts still linger. It's like the shadow of a figure on a dark night following you home, but when you turn to catch them, they dissipate into thin air. The reminder, the cruel feeling of knowing that I've felt like that, and knowing that everything may just melt into obfuscation and disorder again is something that scares me all the time. Its this fear of feeling transient that has stopped me posting. I mean, what if I post and its crap? What if I post and I get comments I don't feel smart enough to reply to? How can I have conviction in anything if I have to say if my feelings are just going to do a 180?

How can I post something if I feel like I'm becoming more and more transparent?

Things have returned to some kind of equilibrium and occasionally slip. I've been slipped lots of leaflets on moods and alcohol which are resources I'd rather not indulge, Lifeline numbers and a frustrating amount of times talking to 'health professionals' who ask questions like 'if you feel sad, how does that make you feel?' - Which is perhaps one of the most ridiculous things I've been asked. But yes, I guess I'm recovering. Slowly, but surely.

So I guess this was just to break the silence more then anything, but I also wanted to ask myself - What purpose will this thing serve? Do I want to use it purely for prose/poetry, reviews, stream-of-consciousness diary entries? - I decided that I'll use it for everything. Yup. I hope I'm not being too optimistic here because just writing this post has exorcised a lot of the pent-up anxiety I've been feeling lately. I can do this. Yup.

So, for anyone who has read, thanks again.

PS - I don't know how to end this, so I'm just going to end it with this beautiful woman. Her music has helped me the past month.